Friday, October 23, 2009

The page that hasn't gone to the dogs

Well it looks like we have someone after Dazzler's title of the longest rant here on Yeahmatego. Gullsy, who is getting quite the taste for expressing his opinions, has sent in an absolute cracker. It is on the long side, but I would have to say it is probably the funniest thing that has been posted on this blog. He is still to produce the infamous picture of the European models though! Trento is under the pump a little bit this weekend with his tips, but assures me that last week was just a minor blip and he will be back in the winners circle sooner rather than later. For what it's worth I think that "Heart of Dreams" will win the Cox's Plate with "Vision and Power my roughie.

Trent's Top Tips
So last week wasn't my finest performance on the punt, I'm can be a man about it, I'll put my hands up. I'm also the first to get back on the proverbial horse and have another crack.

Some questions were raised during the week to my relationship to the 3 dogs that I tipped at Richmond on Friday night, now while I am not willing to reveal my exact relationship to the trainer of the said dogs I will let it be known that if that old prick doesn't load the dogs into the boxes better next time then I wont be doing him any favours around the house in the coming weeks! Anyway, onto the tips.

Tip 1 - I like the French with the 38 1/2 start to beat the English in the Rugby League 4 nations

Tip 2 - The Aussie will smash the Kiwis, forget the World Cup last year. Give the 17 1/2 start to those sheep shaggers and get in the queue to collect my friends!

You don't always get what you deserve
I was watching the Jets v Victory game last weekend, not because I support either team, more because I am just a fan of Football itself and it was a game that brought up beautiful thing about sport in general. The best team on the day does not always win!

The Jets are in my opinion playing the best football in the A-League at the moment, and I'm a Sydney fan. However if you look at the table, what good it is doing them? They are sitting near last without a win in their last 4 games or so. It is one of those wonderful things about sport that a team can dominate their opponents for large portions of a game but still be beaten. It is this little quirk that gives the fans of the lesser teams a little ray of hope when coming up against the "big boys" that maybe, just maybe they can sneak a win. It is why we love sport so much, why we keep coming back even when our team is shit!

I mean look at that FA Cup Final a few years ago, Man Utd v Arsenal. United dominated for 90 minutes of normal play, then 30 minutes of extra time, doing everything but scoring. The game goes to penalties, Arsenal win. Did they deserve to win, no way, but they did. It is in these moments that it can be painful to be a fan, but think how the Arsenal fans felt, they couldn't give a f@#* who were the better team, they won the trophy!

It may hurt to be beaten when your the better team, but you know what, You'll be back next week, cheering on your team, just in case they nick that 93rd minute winner!
The Fiddler

A ladies point of view
Apparently Harmo is a real hard F@#*er. Whatever. A man who proudly says bitches go to the bar, is and always will be - a wanker. Because I doubt any so called women, would touch that with a 10 foot pole! So keep dreaming mate, and control your language.
I'm on team Gullsy!

Sports stars or porn stars?
Casey Stoner – what a champ! He wins the Phillip Island MotoGP and then celebrates by pashing his hot blonde girlfriend. Seeing shit like that makes me wish I rode my BMX bike faster when Mum sent me to the shops.

Think about it…with Stoner’s choice of hot shagging partners, it’s no wonder the poor bastard took time off with chronic fatigue syndrome. And then his sponsor - Marlboro – gets all jealous and demands he apologise for his absence. Marlboro should be thanking this young fella. Do they know how many post-coital cigarettes this guy has been responsible for? He’s probably making Marlboro more money riding hot chicks, than he does riding a f#*kin’ motorbike.

Which got me thinking…what sportsmen get the hottest chicks? You know what I mean…f*#k the Gatorade training lab that’s running tests for dehydration, let’s find out what sport will get us the hottest chick, and more importantly, why!

Firstly, we’ll take a closer look at motorsports. I hate motorsports, but I love the sort of behaviour it encourages? I went to the Gold Coast Indy and saw more chicks pulling their tits out than F1 drivers pulling into pit lane. But you know what? These chicks aren’t what you’d call ‘quality’. You wouldn’t really take one of these girls home to meet your parents unless your Mum was the President of the Banditos. Imagine the introduction… “Hi Mum, Dad…this is Sharon. Sharon this is…Oh, for f*#k’s sake Sharon…put ‘em away!”

If you want to step up the quality a little, you’ve got to turn to two wheels – MotorX. These chicks are the bikini pin-up babes that give Zoo Weekly’s editors 24-hour hard-ons! And these chicks love the bad boys. If you’ve got tatts, you get the tits! Now, I’m all up for f*#king a Zoo Weekly cover girl – especially the ones who list their favourite past-time as ‘going down on my girlfriends’. But I’ll tell you one thing readers…I’m not getting a full-sleeve tattoo of a pot-smoking green dragon just to do it. Who am I kidding? I don’t even know how to ride a motorbike. European-styled Vespers just don’t cut it when you’re up against Aussie madman, Robbie Maddison, jumping Europe’s biggest icons!

Instead, let’s look at sports that us Aussies are supposed to be good at. Like cricket. I’ve never seen Boonie’s wife or Merv’s best root – but I’m not holding out much hope. The uglier you are, and more beer you drink, the better you seem to be at playing cricket. Unlike the bunch of pretty boy, soft cocks we’ve got in the squad today. What does Lara Bingle see in the bleached hair, diamond earrings, and red Ferraris? The poor girl has to sit through five days of shithouse cricket before the Pup will even look at her puppies! Lara, Lara, Lara – why, oh why do you want the attention of a guy who has a smoother box than yours?

Speaking of fascinating conundrums, I didn’t think the NBL would rear its f*#king ugly head again! Seriously, I reckon the chicks who chase NBL dudes just aren’t pretty enough to date a proper sports star. And why would you date a basketballer…it can’t be for the money! I earn twice as much as your average NBL dude – but that aint enough to get me no cheerleader girlfriend! But then again…I don’t wear a size 17 shoe!

Now for those A-League dudes. They’re not really up there with the European football players are they? Let’s just put them in some sort of sporting perspective. It’s like if I was to walk into a bar with a Yeahmatego reader. For argument’s sake, lets say it was Harmo. Now, I’m a Real Madrid striker, and Harmo’s the right-back for NQ Fury. The result…I get the hot chick, the hot bar girl and the hot podium dancer; Harmo gets knocked back by their fat friends. Point proven.

So let me finish with what I believe is the pinnacle of sports magnetism in Australia – the AFL. These blokes just have to smell like they’ve been in the same locker-room as Ablett and they’ll be shagging their choice of hot chicks. In fact, women seem to want these guys so bad that they’ll even shag their husband’s teammate in the toilets! The thing is, these girls all want to be the ‘Cindarellas’ at the Brownlow Ball. It’s a fairytale for them…until, of course, the ugly stepsister Fevolva starts humping their leg in the foyer of the Crown Casino.

Well…I was trying to sneak out of this article without having to mention it, but yes, here I go. The NRL. Seriously, why do chicks even bother with these Neanderthals? If the only thing these girls want is a gang-bang and some media attention – I know a bunch of guys who read Yeahmatego and own a digital camera!

I could go on and on, but it’s time this sports analysis came to some sort of intelligent conclusion. So I’ll finish with a question to all the Dads who want their sons to be sports stars…

Do you give your son a tennis racquet, hope he wins millions – and then hope twice as hard he doesn’t end up with wife as ugly as Federer’s? Or do you throw him on a motorbike, divorce your wife and then spend your mid-life crisis picking up his scraps?
Hmmmm…sometimes when we delve into the important sporting issues, we just end up with more questions than answers. Until next time…

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